Baby Talk

A few months back I pulled a little "joke" on my husband and told him that I was pregnant. I had to cease the opportunity. I had just yawned as I was coming down the stairs and by the time I reached the bottom, where he was standing playing with Ilah, my eyes were watering from my yawn. He looked at me and asked me if I was ok. So I went for it. I told him that I just finished taking a pregnancy test and that it was positive. He looked at me stunned, unsure of what to say or do. Hug me and be elated!? Or say, "Um, this wasn't exactly our plan". I didn't drag out the joke for long and quickly told him I was just pulling his leg. But truth be told, baby #2 has been on the brain {even though I was so sick throughout my pregnancy with Ilah that I contemplated her being an only child because I didn't want to chance going through that again!}.

For those of you who are wondering, our plan is to start trying for another baby in another year and a half, when Ilah is 2 1/2 . . . 2 3/4. That's our plan. We all know God trumps all plans - and if it's His will for baby #2 to come sooner, or even later, well....so be it. But our choice has always been to space our children a part by three + years {we are pretty confident that we both just want 2}. And despite baby fever setting in {with names for the second one just about picked out}, that's still the plan/timeframe that we are sticking with. I have friends who have had children very close in age and I know me, and I know that I would feel greatly overwhelmed {as a stay-at-home mom} with having two children under two. Our mindset is that Ilah will be in preschool when baby #2 arrives, giving me the same opportunity to have undivided time with our newest blessing as I did with her. And while although I am loving life with just our little Ilah, I do think about when baby #2 will enter into our world.

I care not if the next baby is a boy or a girl. I believe that God gives you the child that you are meant to have and that your little one, no matter the gender, can amaze you in so many wonderful ways that make you forget that you ever had a preference to begin with.

Indeed, life intensifies when adding an additional child to the mix, but just as Ilah has enhanced our life in so many wonderful ways, I know that our next baby will do the same. I have already imagined our home with an additional blessing in it. I have envisioned what life would be like with two children and how Ilah would be with her sibling. I have pictured vacations as a family of four and how all the special holidays would be with two little ones running around. I have envisioned two carseats in the back seat of my car, a second baby's room, the dual sounds of laughter coming from the livingroom and how mine and my husband's laps would each have one of our children on it. I have thought about every wonderful thing imaginable, and while although there will be hard days since everything will be times two, I don't fixate my thoughts on the overwhelming days that are bound to be.

However, what I do fixate my thoughts on, is how my next pregnancy will go.

Throughout my entire pregnancy with Ilah I couldn't wait until she was born. Not only because I was so looking forward to seeing her and becoming a mommy, but because I was looking forward to the relief that having her on the outside would bring to me. While although I was told by my OBYGN that pregnancy complications were the exception, not the norm, it didn't help ease my anxiety. It seemed that while I was pregnant, all I would hear about, or read about, was unexpected pregnancy complications and babies struggling to live. To tell you that I was a mess after hearing the stories is an understatement. My husband and my mom prayed with me so many times because I was often letting worry and fear set in. Having a healthy child is truly a miracle. The entire process from conception to birth is a miracle...and I was well aware that at any point in time, things could shift and a complication, whether small or great, could possibly become our reality. It wasn't until Ilah was on the outside, and I knew that she was perfectly healthy, that I felt I could breathe a sigh of relief. And even now, with a second pregnancy nowhere in sight in the very near future, I get a bit of anxiety thinking about getting myself to full-term again and delivering another healthy baby.

I can't wait to experience all those firsts again with a new little baby to love. I still remember every little detail from my delivery day with Ilah and I wish I could go back to that day and do it all over again - even the C-Section...each chain of moments that brought our little girl into the world. Those moments were so exciting, so precious, and so life-changing. How quickly time flies.

I am so thankful for the life I live. For the husband that God has blessed me with, and the daughter that He has given us to love throughout our lifetime, and hers. And even though baby #2 isn't in our arms just yet, I think about that little boy or girl and how loved he or she will also be and how they will also greatly enhance our lives all the more. And while although a lot already goes into one day for me, I'm looking forward to the additional set of tiny hands to hold, the soft cheeks to kiss, the strands of hair to stroke, the head to caress, and the warm little body to cradle. I'm looking forward to the day when I can tell my husband for the second time that we are expecting baby, and having it not be a joke, but rather a beautiful reality. I'm anxiously looking forward to seeing, for the second time, a plus sign on a pregnancy test and feeling that wave of happy emotions all over again.

"If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle". -Vincent Van Gogh