One night, a few weeks ago, I had an awful dream and woke up in an all out, sweaty, heart-racing, gasping for breath, shake-your-husband-so-he-wakes-up too, panic attack.
I have realized that many of the dreams that I have had over the course of my life correlate to something that I am, or have been, feeling/thinking/wondering about/fearful of/or have been over-analyzing about.
And so was the case in this dream.
In my dream, my husband and I were away on vacation for a few days, staying in a cabin with some friends {without Ilah}, in the middle of winter. In the early evening, just before it started to get dark out, we headed out to the local store in town to pick up just a few things. On the way there I told my husband that we needed to just quickly run in and out because I didn’t want us driving back when it was pitch dark outside. When we got inside of the store he went one way to grab a few things on our list, while I went another way to grab some of the other items that we needed. While I was half way down an aisle, I instantly turned around and went to find my husband in the store. I motioned for him to come my way and I told him that we just needed to leave and let's not bother trying to get everything. It was growing dark and I knew that there were no street lights to light the roads. We purchased what we had in hand and didn’t bother finding, or buying, the rest of the stuff on our list. When we exited the store, it was quickly growing dark. When we got inside our car, and started to drive back towards the cabin, fog rolled in - and then it started to sprinkle...followed by snow flurries. In no time, the roads got slippery. I asked my husband if he could see out of the window; he said that he had driven in weather like this before and not to worry.
When we approached the street that our cabin was on, I noticed there were some people sitting outside. I told my husband, “Can you believe people are sitting outside in this weather?”. He turned to look and that’s when everything went terribly, horribly wrong. Because he wasn’t paying attention to the road, he was about to miss our turn. Instead of continuing to drive straight and make a u-turn to come back to our street, he decided to still try to make the turn, which was now a dangerous decision. When he did so, the car started to slide and he couldn’t gain control of the vehicle that was now fish-tailing. I stared out of the front window, wide-eyed, as everything seemed to begin to happen in slow motion. Head on, we hit {and broke through} a wooden railing that went along side of a steep mountain as a preventative measure. Within seconds, we were plummeting to our death. Knowing that we only had moments until we hit the bottom, I turned to Dele to tell him that I love him. He looked back at me with such apologetic eyes. We both leaned in to give each other the last kiss that we would ever give to one another – right before we died together. I then thought that I would never see my precious Ilah ever again. Neither of us would. She would have to live the rest of her life without us. Images of her face, and scenes of all of our times together, quickly flashed through my mind. Although it was a heart-wrenching realization, there was no time to cry. Knowing that I only had a second or two left to live, I asked God to forgive me of my sins. And then I woke up.
Hyperventilating.
Lately there have been a few things heavily on my mind, and on my heart, which I absolutely know correlated with this dream.
Some time ago, my husband and I purchased life insurance. We not only felt that it was important to be covered in the event that something were to happen to one of us – but also to give us a peace of mind knowing that if something were to happen to both of us, that Ilah would receive a considerable amount of money to carry her through a great portion of her life. Knowing that we are all financially secure {should one if us pass away} was something that was important to my husband and I. While planning accordingly certainly brings great comfort, it also forces you to answer questions like who will have guardianship over your child/ren in the event that both parents pass away? And will that same person be responsible for allocating funds to your child/ren according to your written specifications?
I was totally not prepared to answer those questions. And while although we didn’t have to answer them right away, worry and angst crept in immediately. Naturally, as a parent, you never, ever want to think about how your child would cope with losing their parent/s, let alone envision someone other than you raising your child/ren.
My biggest fear in life is loss….my husband and/or my child{ren}dying well before their time. My father passed away in his mid 40’s. Way too soon and it was sudden. And while I have learned to cope with the loss of my father, it’s not something that I will ever be “over”. Yesterday was his birthday.
As a child, you grow up naturally assuming that you, and those around you, will live a very long, full life. Death is something that you think happens to other people. It doesn’t touch those that you love. As a 14 year old teenager, I became painfully aware that no one is immune to death. And when you come to this realization, and have to live through the loss [that someone whom you deeply love will no longer be physically with you], I think it really does something to you.
For many years I would randomly get high anxiety thinking about something tragically happening to me….dying from an awful car accident, getting cancer, plummeting to my death in an airplane crash, getting robbed and then murdered….the thoughts were recurring and so awful.
I look forward to my future with my husband and children with so much excitement and anticipation for all that is to come for us as a family. I often envision how things will be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years from now. To have my dreams shattered, by the death of any of them, would be incredibly life altering. It’s my absolute biggest fear. That, and something happening to me that wouldn’t allow me to be present for all of those endearing moments that I foresee.
I am sure that I am not the only mother or wife out there who has these fears. Do any of you? When my mind begins to wander about the “what if’s”, I pray away my worries and ask for the peace of God to settle in my heart. I also talk it through with either my husband, or my mother – who has gone through the loss of her husband/my father and understands where my fear stems from.
The part of my dream where I repented right before we crashed to our death is associated with my current relationship with the Lord and how lately I have felt that I need to be more committed to my spiritual growth through prayer, worship, intercession, the reading of His word and through more acts of service. I want to save this for another post because I will be sharing my heart in great length - and this post is already quite long!
I have realized that many of the dreams that I have had over the course of my life correlate to something that I am, or have been, feeling/thinking/wondering about/fearful of/or have been over-analyzing about.
And so was the case in this dream.
In my dream, my husband and I were away on vacation for a few days, staying in a cabin with some friends {without Ilah}, in the middle of winter. In the early evening, just before it started to get dark out, we headed out to the local store in town to pick up just a few things. On the way there I told my husband that we needed to just quickly run in and out because I didn’t want us driving back when it was pitch dark outside. When we got inside of the store he went one way to grab a few things on our list, while I went another way to grab some of the other items that we needed. While I was half way down an aisle, I instantly turned around and went to find my husband in the store. I motioned for him to come my way and I told him that we just needed to leave and let's not bother trying to get everything. It was growing dark and I knew that there were no street lights to light the roads. We purchased what we had in hand and didn’t bother finding, or buying, the rest of the stuff on our list. When we exited the store, it was quickly growing dark. When we got inside our car, and started to drive back towards the cabin, fog rolled in - and then it started to sprinkle...followed by snow flurries. In no time, the roads got slippery. I asked my husband if he could see out of the window; he said that he had driven in weather like this before and not to worry.
When we approached the street that our cabin was on, I noticed there were some people sitting outside. I told my husband, “Can you believe people are sitting outside in this weather?”. He turned to look and that’s when everything went terribly, horribly wrong. Because he wasn’t paying attention to the road, he was about to miss our turn. Instead of continuing to drive straight and make a u-turn to come back to our street, he decided to still try to make the turn, which was now a dangerous decision. When he did so, the car started to slide and he couldn’t gain control of the vehicle that was now fish-tailing. I stared out of the front window, wide-eyed, as everything seemed to begin to happen in slow motion. Head on, we hit {and broke through} a wooden railing that went along side of a steep mountain as a preventative measure. Within seconds, we were plummeting to our death. Knowing that we only had moments until we hit the bottom, I turned to Dele to tell him that I love him. He looked back at me with such apologetic eyes. We both leaned in to give each other the last kiss that we would ever give to one another – right before we died together. I then thought that I would never see my precious Ilah ever again. Neither of us would. She would have to live the rest of her life without us. Images of her face, and scenes of all of our times together, quickly flashed through my mind. Although it was a heart-wrenching realization, there was no time to cry. Knowing that I only had a second or two left to live, I asked God to forgive me of my sins. And then I woke up.
Hyperventilating.
Lately there have been a few things heavily on my mind, and on my heart, which I absolutely know correlated with this dream.
Some time ago, my husband and I purchased life insurance. We not only felt that it was important to be covered in the event that something were to happen to one of us – but also to give us a peace of mind knowing that if something were to happen to both of us, that Ilah would receive a considerable amount of money to carry her through a great portion of her life. Knowing that we are all financially secure {should one if us pass away} was something that was important to my husband and I. While planning accordingly certainly brings great comfort, it also forces you to answer questions like who will have guardianship over your child/ren in the event that both parents pass away? And will that same person be responsible for allocating funds to your child/ren according to your written specifications?
I was totally not prepared to answer those questions. And while although we didn’t have to answer them right away, worry and angst crept in immediately. Naturally, as a parent, you never, ever want to think about how your child would cope with losing their parent/s, let alone envision someone other than you raising your child/ren.
My biggest fear in life is loss….my husband and/or my child{ren}dying well before their time. My father passed away in his mid 40’s. Way too soon and it was sudden. And while I have learned to cope with the loss of my father, it’s not something that I will ever be “over”. Yesterday was his birthday.
As a child, you grow up naturally assuming that you, and those around you, will live a very long, full life. Death is something that you think happens to other people. It doesn’t touch those that you love. As a 14 year old teenager, I became painfully aware that no one is immune to death. And when you come to this realization, and have to live through the loss [that someone whom you deeply love will no longer be physically with you], I think it really does something to you.
For many years I would randomly get high anxiety thinking about something tragically happening to me….dying from an awful car accident, getting cancer, plummeting to my death in an airplane crash, getting robbed and then murdered….the thoughts were recurring and so awful.
I look forward to my future with my husband and children with so much excitement and anticipation for all that is to come for us as a family. I often envision how things will be 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years from now. To have my dreams shattered, by the death of any of them, would be incredibly life altering. It’s my absolute biggest fear. That, and something happening to me that wouldn’t allow me to be present for all of those endearing moments that I foresee.
I am sure that I am not the only mother or wife out there who has these fears. Do any of you? When my mind begins to wander about the “what if’s”, I pray away my worries and ask for the peace of God to settle in my heart. I also talk it through with either my husband, or my mother – who has gone through the loss of her husband/my father and understands where my fear stems from.
The part of my dream where I repented right before we crashed to our death is associated with my current relationship with the Lord and how lately I have felt that I need to be more committed to my spiritual growth through prayer, worship, intercession, the reading of His word and through more acts of service. I want to save this for another post because I will be sharing my heart in great length - and this post is already quite long!
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