Competition in Christianity, Part 3 - Conclusion

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been reading the book Friendship for Grown-Up's. Last night, I finished the book. As I conclude this topic on authenticity, I wanted to share what this book has taught me about learning to identify and connect with safe people - and how to maintain that connection. Here are some lines that I highlighted in the book that maybe will minister to you as well:

• Jesus had three really close friends, a dozen close friends, and a larger circle of just friend friends.

• Pay attention to what somebody does, not just what they say.

• Pay attention to warning signs to discern unsafe areas. For instance, listen closely to conversations with your friends. If they are loose-lipped, judgmental, petty, negative, or condescending while talking about someone else, then odds are they probably talk about you that same way when you're not around.

• Look for people who can be real and honest about their shortcomings and struggles. There is no such thing as a perfect person, so if you think you are meeting one, run! Perfect people cannot connect with you at a real level because they cannot connect to themselves at a real level. That's why they must wear masks of perfection. If it is so important to them to give the illusion of perfection then they will expect perfection from you too, That is not possible, and you will always feel "less than" around them.

• A safe friend will live her life before you and trust God to move on your heart in His time and in His way.

• We need safe people we can lean on and be dependent upon during times of deep emotional suffering.

• Even more than wanting to find safe people, I want to be a safe person.

• We want friends whom we can call and say, "This is how I'm really feeling, this is the way it really is, this is who I really am". We want those friends who will accept us, just like that: all that we are, the good, the bad, the little bit of both. Each of us craves that.

• When people think we are perfect, without insecurities or faults, it works against connection. Vulnerability creates connection faster than almost anything.

• Being understood is one of our deepest needs. We don't really need to know that we are "right" as much as we need to know that someone understands how we feel adn what our "reality" is. Making the connection with each other is called "empathy". When we feel a certain way, we need to know that others validate our experience, meaning that they understand how it is for us.

• Another essential quality for authentic friendship is the gift of having someone who will be honest with you about you - and having a friend who will be honest about what she is feeling in herself and in the relationship, even if that means that things might get a bit sticky for a minute or two.

• See how conflict can be a good thing - an opportunity for a closer connection.

• When I am with a friend, I want to be fully engaged with her. Eyes connected, ears attuned, opinions on hold, mouth in neutral, heart wide open.

• Not everyone in your life will want honest friendship with you, especially friends {or family} who are used to getting what they want in the relationship.

• If you don't intentionally nurture your friendships and invest time in them, then they too easily dwindle away in the press of life.

• Yes, friendships take time, but if we wait until we have time for them then we'll never have them.

• Humility and vulnerability are absolutely necessary for bonding to take place at a deep level....but first, make sure you've learned a thing or two about how to discern safe people in whom to entrust your heart. Listen carefully and watch them without judgment but with wide-open eyes before you open wide your life.

• God made us to need Him and each other. We need God. We need His word. We need each other. The apostle John wrote, "I have much to write to you, but I do not want to use paper and ink. Instead, I hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy may be complete" {John 12}. Complete your own joy. Come face to face with others who you love.

Such good substance!!

If, like me, you are desiring wonderful friendships with authentic people, let's begin to not just wish that God would bring those kind of people into our lives, but let's pray about it also. That God will send safe people our way, who we can do life wide-open with.

The very last two lines of Friendship for Grown-Up's says the following, which I think is the best last words to have on this subject:

Friends have been the visible manifestation to me of God's grace. May God grant you an incarnation of His love through the gift of intimate friendships.